Hello there, did you miss me ? I haven’t posted anything in so long, but I have decided today that I would try to start posting daily, because I find that I truly enjoy writing here and having people react to my writings, my emotions, and my experiences. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe it will inspire someone. Maybe it won’t, but maybe trying is better than doing nothing.
I always have this feeling that I have left so many chapters in my life unfinished. To me, those are like wounds still open that can still come bother me whenever they please. I am growing up, the wounds add up, and I end up overwhelmed. So last night, I made a decision to tie up all these loose ends and cauterise all the wounds so that I can make more room in my life for all the other feelings that I have that aren’t nostalgia or remorse.
I think everyone you meet in your life matters, I think everyone has their story, their role to play. Sometimes they are just a background character that will stay there for a week or two. Sometimes they are permanent and make an impact so deep it changes you. I used to have trouble accepting the dissymmetry of it: if someone is a permanent influence in my life, how can I possibly accept not to be one in theirs? I kept asking myself if I was doing something wrong, if I was feeling wrong, if there was something inherently odd about me. I am sure we all go through those phases, and I am sure we also all, in time, come to the same conclusion: it is a perfectly normal thing to feel.
Generally, I’m an eraser. I wipe people out of my life like they never existed and leave it at that, pushing their memory as far away as possible and trying my best to repress it. Slowly but surely, I am teaching myself not to do that, I am learning to take it all in, feel the emotions when they happen and accept them. Because when I don’t, eventually everything comes back crashing in, all at the same time, like a flood, and I drown in it all. I can’t afford to drown anymore, and most importantly I don’t deserve to drown. I deserve to keep swimming, and sometimes choke on the water of my emotions, but always swimming and doing alright. It is not living to constantly pretend like people from your past no longer have any type of influence on you.
In life you develop and you learn as you go, that’s kind of the point. You’re not the sum of the people you’ve met, but you’re a sum of the experiences you’ve shared with them and most importantly what you make of them. Sometimes people leave a bittersweet aftertaste in your mouth, maybe because they hurt you, maybe because you didn’t part friends. But they were there nonetheless, instrumental in your growth. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, but you can let everyone you meet be a new way for you to grow. That is the philosophy that I am trying to embrace. Everyone knows something you do not. Everyone has lived through something that you have never experienced. As humans it’s only by accepting how virtually tiny we are compared to the entirety of mankind that we can become better, I truly believe that.
Letting people go, asking for forgiveness when I have been wrong, accepting that sometimes those who have hurt me will not right their wrongs, I believe those are all the things through which I grow more peaceful, more at ease, more mature. It is a journey and not always an easy one, but it brings me something that I was so longing for and never imagined I could achieve: closure. And it feels good.