May 6th 2016 – A sweet sense of closure

Hello there, did you miss me ? I haven’t posted anything in so long, but I have decided today that I would try to start posting daily, because I find that I truly enjoy writing here and having people react to my writings, my emotions, and my experiences. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe it will inspire someone. Maybe it won’t, but maybe trying is better than doing nothing.

I always have this feeling that I have left so many chapters in my life unfinished. To me, those are like wounds still open that can still come bother me whenever they please. I am growing up, the wounds add up, and I end up overwhelmed. So last night, I made a decision to tie up all these loose ends and cauterise all the wounds so that I can make more room in my life for all the other feelings that I have that aren’t nostalgia or remorse.

I think everyone you meet in your life matters, I think everyone has their story, their role to play. Sometimes they are just a background character that will stay there for a week or two. Sometimes they are permanent and make an impact so deep it changes you. I used to have trouble accepting the dissymmetry of it: if someone is a permanent influence in my life, how can I possibly accept not to be one in theirs? I kept asking myself if I was doing something wrong, if I was feeling wrong, if there was something inherently odd about me. I am sure we all go through those phases, and I am sure we also all, in time, come to the same conclusion: it is a perfectly normal thing to feel.

Generally, I’m an eraser. I wipe people out of my life like they never existed and leave it at that, pushing their memory as far away as possible and trying my best to repress it. Slowly but surely, I am teaching myself not to do that, I am learning to take it all in, feel the emotions when they happen and accept them. Because when I don’t, eventually everything comes back crashing in, all at the same time, like a flood, and I drown in it all. I can’t afford to drown anymore, and most importantly I don’t deserve to drown. I deserve to keep swimming, and sometimes choke on the water of my emotions, but always swimming and doing alright. It is not living to constantly pretend like people from your past no longer have any type of influence on you.

In life you develop and you learn as you go, that’s kind of the point. You’re not the sum of the people you’ve met, but you’re a sum of the experiences you’ve shared with them and most importantly what you make of them. Sometimes people leave a bittersweet aftertaste in your mouth, maybe because they hurt you, maybe because you didn’t part friends. But they were there nonetheless, instrumental in your growth. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, but you can let everyone you meet be a new way for you to grow. That is the philosophy that I am trying to embrace. Everyone knows something you do not. Everyone has lived through something that you have never experienced. As humans it’s only by accepting how virtually tiny we are compared to the entirety of mankind that we can become better, I truly believe that.

Letting people go, asking for forgiveness when I have been wrong, accepting that sometimes those who have hurt me will not right their wrongs, I believe those are all the things through which I grow more peaceful, more at ease, more mature. It is a journey and not always an easy one, but it brings me something that I was so longing for and never imagined I could achieve: closure. And it feels good.

 

Walking oxymoron – what I wrote about you I wrote it about me, too

She walks around wrapped in her pride and a cute dress, looking at the world like she owns it. She sits down at her desk, disarmed, the virtual knives of strangers’ opinions stabbing her to her very core. She looks unshakable, for the mask she’s been wearing for so long has turned into a brick wall. But walls are just that, temporary protection, and the one in Berlin, too, crumbled like hers will. When her fear and self loathing slip through the cracks she’ll put a brave face on and say thank you to the masses who ran at her with a hammer thinking she couldn’t be destroyed. That’s what you get for acting tougher than you are. That’s what you get for being softer than you want to show. That’s what you get when you keep the best of you hidden for so long. That’s what you get and probably not what you deserve, that’s what you tell yourself in the comfort of your room when you manage to run away from the voices and all this noise. Finally at peace, away from it all, maybe that’s where you’re happy, but you want to go back out there and help them all. You’re a never-ending cycle, between an unresolved god complex and a dire fear of failure. You can blame it on the arms people are brandishing towards you, be they fists or helping hands. You can blame it on the stars or whatever God you pray to, they did you so wrong, maybe they have a plan. But you’ll carry on walking. Someone has to.

(I wrote that a few months ago about someone I know. I read it again today and realised there was more to it, so I decided to publish it. It’s not good but it was very liberating.)

What lays beyond anger – a cathartic summer

I wish all the relationships I have with human beings were as simple as the bonds I’ve been forming this summer. It’s easy and natural, just talking and having a good time, no one trying to use the other, no power imbalance, just people being people. And it gets me thinking. About those relationships I hold on to that are broken beyond repair.

So here’s to you. Maybe in another life we would have been friends and maybe in another world things would have been simpler. Maybe it’s time that I move on from you. Maybe we regret all the chances we don’t take but there are some occasions in which regret is still better an option than what we put each other through. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that you, too, should have been sorry. I hope you don’t realise too late that you miss me, because I’ll be long gone by then, I have earned my right to selfishness.

And here’s also to you, you whose memory I cherish and always will, I know you’re not coming back. You didn’t leave me you just left altogether, and as much as my heart will welcome you whenever you choose to come back I cannot keep shivering every time something reminds me of you. Our paths will cross again but before they do I will draw a path of my own and paint my footsteps in the holes your absence left.

Here’s to you, all of you, that I tried to impress just for the sake of it, because I knew you didn’t like me and I couldn’t live with the thought. I spent too much time on you and not enough on people who actually value who I am, that’s a mistake a child makes, and not one that the woman I plan on being will make anymore. Because finally I see that being me is what the people I’m compatible with will like. All my accumulated self loathing is wearing thin and I’ll win this fight, without you.

This does not come from a place of anger, these thoughts appease me and I even feel grateful. Every person I have met, even the ones I do not want any contact with anymore, have made me grow and shaped me into who I am now. For that I am grateful. But sometimes it’s just time to realise the past is only just that: something that has passed. I will let my heart heal, keep the good things, and drop all the rest. No looking back.

Happiness-induced insomnia

I’ve been in the dark for so long that now that all is light and all is fine and all is happy I lay awake at night trying to take it all in and taste every mouthful of happiness.
I am scared, even terrified, that one day this very simple feeling of bliss, this very necessary sensation that breathing isn’t hard, will vanish into thin air. The darkness in me has the power to swallow the biggest joys and turn them into horror. It has ripped me to shreds before, I’m still shaky and unsure, I’m still walking a tight rope, I’m still a balancing act.
So I don’t want to sleep. I dont want to miss a second of this nice weightless feeling I get when I’m happy. It’s beautiful. It gives me butterflies. Maybe knowing that these moment can be as fleeting as they are enjoyable makes me enjoy them more. Maybe I’ve fallen so many times taking but just one step feels like huge strides towards freedom.
So here I am: laying in bed with a smile on my face, a little afraid, a little confused, but overall happy.

Chocolate Tiramisu

I have been asked to publish the recipe of the chocolate Tiramisu that I made the other day if it turned out good. This came from the idea that I absolutely can’t stand the taste of coffee so I was trying to find a way to still have Tiramisu. I combined a few recipes I found online to make mine perfect for my taste. Everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. I know I used the metric system but you should be able to find conversions easily online. Let me know if you end up trying it out (:

How long is it going to take?
I would say about an hour to prepare it all, maybe a bit more if, like me, you’re not experienced. You will then need to refrigerate the tiramisu for AT LEAST SIX HOURS this is crucial.

What are you going to need?
A functionning oven with a baking sheet (is that what it’s called?)
Parchment paper.
Five/six glasses, to put the tiramisus in.
A mixer.
Quite a lot of mixing bowls, to be honest.
A measuring glass or a scale.

And which ingredients?
FOR THE BISCUIT PART:
3 eggs
25cL of milk
50g of black chocolate
80g of flour
80g of caster sugar
FOR THE CREAMY PART:
3 eggs
250g of mascarpone
25cL of cream (it should be liquid and NOT fat reduced)
100g of black chocolate
20g of icing sugar
50g of caster sugar
30g of non sugared cocoa powder

So what are we actually doing with all that?
Make sure to put a mixing bowl in the fridge. Also keep the cream in the fridge until the last minute, too.

We’ll start making the biscuit so you have to pre heat your oven at 180°C.
Take your three eggs and separate the whites from the yolks. Add the sugar to the egg whites and beat them with the mixer until the texture is creamy and very white (if you’ve ever made a meringue, meringue batter is what this is so you know the deal). Whip the egg yolks for a bit and add them to the egg white mix. Then, add the flour progressively. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE MADE BATTER FOR YOUR BISCUITS. Lay parchment paper on your baking sheet and spread the mix you’ve just made on it. It doesn’t have to be a thick layer since it’s going to rise.
Put that in the oven for 10 minutes, then let it cool nicely (the texture should be like the one of a sponge which is perfect since they’re going to be soaked but let’s cross this bridge when we come to it)
Melt the 50g of chocolate (either in a bain-marie or in the microwave, no shame). Boil the milk and right when it’s starting to boil, remove it from the stove and add in the melted chocolate. You’ve made chocolate milk WOW you’re a champ. Let that cool down and get ready for business.

On to the creamy part of the recipe. Warning: do wear an apron because my dress ended up covered in cream.
Separate the egg whites from the yolks. You can throw the whites away we don’t need them anymore. Mix the yolks with the caster sugar and whip the mix.
You can take the mixing bowl you had put in the fridge out, along with the liquid cream. Put the icing sugar and the cream in the bowl and use the mixer to make whipped cream. (Not everything has to become whipped cream but the more the better). You’ll find it easier to make the cream happen if you have a mixer with two different speeds: start slowly and increase the speed afterwards. Don’t stop and start again, it has to be all in one go.
Add the mascarpone to the egg yolk and sugar mix. Whip gently. Then, add the whipped cream progressively to this mix and whip gently. Put half of the mix in another mixing bowl.
Melt the 100g of chocolate and add them to one of the halves of the mix you created earlier.

ALMOST THERE, NOW ONTO THE FINAL TOUCHES.

Take your glasses and get ready to create layers. Cut the biscuit you made into small bits and soak all of them into the chocolate milk you previously made. In each of the glasses, put a layer of biscuit, one of non chococlate mix, one of chocolate mix, and repeat until you reach the top. I would advise to finish with a layer of non chocolate mix so it looks better. Sprinkle the cocoa powder on top of it and put the glasses in the fridge.
Now let it sit in the fridge for MANY HOURS, the longer the better, and go enjoy your WELL DESERVED REST, YOU ARE A COOKING CHAMP!

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It’s arson.

If I combust and if I burn today, it didn’t happen all of a sudden. I didn’t randomly turn into a big mess of flames and smoke and despair. You saw it happen, you nurtured the flames, made them go higher until they consumed my whole being. It’s your constant pressure and it’s your constant comments. It’s your obvious disappointment when I do not conform to all of your expectations. It’s your lack of a helping hand when I stumble and fall because your foot tripped me. It’s you, it’s you, it’s you.
You don’t blame the paper you put above a burning candle for catching fire. You don’t blame the piece of wood you throw in the flames for igniting. And when you set bushes ablaze, and run away on the mess you made, they will all tell you. It’s arson.

Perception

A lot of things
Keep me awake at night
How much water can I drink in one go
How many marshmallows can I fit in my mouth
But there is one question that always takes over
That I can’t shake off.

A lot of things
Weird me out, make me curious
But I am yet to find something that intrigues me more
Than knowing what it is that people see in me
What they think of me, what impression I make
And it won’t wear off

A lot of things
I’ve been told about me
Felt so wrong and so off and misinterpreted
Because they see what I show but I don’t show it all
And I’m foolish enough to think they’ll remove my mask
They’ll take it off

A lot of things
Used to hurt me
When people talked about how they saw me
It made me feel like a fraud, like a liar, fake as could be
I thought this discrepancy between what I am and who they see
Would put them off

A lot of things
Will always be seen
Differently from the outside than they would be from the inside
And I accept that it’s all a matter of angle, of point of view
And no matter who I choose to be today, it is still me
And I’ll pull it off

A lot of things
Used to happen
When my head would get the best of me and make me
Comply with the perception of bystanders who aren’t me
It is now in the past, I have grown and woken up
I’m taking off

A lot of things
Will often be told
About who I should be and I will make a choice
I’ll be loud as a crowd, they will be background noise
Like muffled sounds coming from an old broken record
That I’ll turn off